I honestly don’t know what to write. I could entertain you with a story, or what’s on my mind, but neither would probably be appropriate for this journal at this time. I could write you a poem, but it wouldn’t be that good unless I spent hours on it. I could post you a song, but I’ve only wrote one, and if I posted that you would be confused, as it’s about a time that is no more. I could sing you a song, but you might run away. I could perform you a trick, but I have none. I could take my bike off some sweet jumps, but I have no bike.
Part Duex of this post just goes to show that not much has changed in a year. I say that, because if you look at this particular post from the past, (oh Scott, I get what that subject line means now!), I’m exactly where I am today where I was then. Besides graduating college that is.
Life does have its Ups and Downs, pun intended. I look back and see how little has changed if seen from the eyes of someone else, but I think a lot has changed emotionally with me, even spiritually with me. I’m not exactly the same person I was then. I’m starting to realize that what I want isn’t what God wants. I’ve had a few people tell me it’s out of my hands and in his lately, and I’m starting to believe it. I’ve never really lived my life that way, where I try to put it in his hands, and that’s really hard for me to do. Because I know what I want, I know what I desire, but now I’m not sure what I deserve. I’m an impatient person I’m finding out. I want things my way now, and he doesn’t. Even though I honestly think my way sounds pretty good.. haha. It kills. It’s hard. It sucks. But life goes on.
But I’m not depressed, which is what I don’t understand. You’d think I’d be depressed if things weren’t going exactly how I want them right this moment. But in reality, I’ve never been happier. I don’t understand that at all. I’m thankful for what little I do have, because I know without those particular things in place alone, I would have no desires in the first place. God has blessed me with so many things in the past few months, I just sometimes worry that we don’t see eye to eye. What is my calling? I don’t know. Where is my life heading, I sure don’t know.
What I am thankful for: My friends, the newest and the old, Newlife Church, anyone who does actually read this journal (I think 3 people if that read this?), my faith, and my patience. Life rocks no matter if I don’t have everything I want right now, and I have all the above to thank for that!
Again, I want to fast forward to June.