The way things are. The way I wish things were.

I’m not even sure how to being this entry. It’s going to be a long one, detailed at that. I’ve always been comfortable with just posting my genuine routine on here, all the good things of coarse. Where I’ve been, what I’m doing, and where I want to go. And as I keep at this journal through out the years I’ve definitely stumbled through hard times in my life, but never like this. I’m 22 and part of me is mad at the world. I’m not as happy as I’ve always made myself to look and maybe it’s even shown throughout the last couple of months. I got some real deep down issues I’m dealing now with life and honestly I don’t know what to do. I feel like everything I’ve done in the past couple of months has completely ruined my life, well at least for the time being.

Let’s start with work. Everything was going so well, everything looked so great. I accepted a job in December after a job shadow and two interviews with Steak n Shake to enter their management training program. I made it out to Steak n Shake and my friends, and college advisers that this is what I wanted to do. I put on my fake smile, I told everyone how happy I was and how great everything was going. I was finally going to enter into the business world after graduating from college. I was going to make some real money and never again have to worry about living paycheck to paycheck. It was all a lie. I never wanted to work there, in fact I never had any intention of working there in the first place. I met the person in HR at a career fair last April. If I wanted the damn job so bad, I would have took him on his interview offer then and would have worked right out of college, further showing everyone how perfect my life was just like everyone else, and that by graduating a year early from college I was ahead of the game. But I chose not to take his offer in April because I knew the last thing I ever wanted to do was stay in the food industry. I’m better than that, I’m smarter than that, and I deserve more.

It doesn’t matter when you can’t find a job though. From June until November I searched for a job and couldn’t get an interview. Maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough, maybe I was. But the fact of the matter is was that no one would give me an interview. I had one interview before Steak n Shake in something that I actually wanted to do with my life. It was a Marking Analysis Coordinator for Progressive Medical in Westerville. I didn’t get it, and after that I was discouraged and continued to have novluck finding a job in what I wanted. I had enormous pressure bestowed on to me from my parents, my college adviser, and just external pressure from everyone around me who was so successful in life. So what did I do? In late October I gave up and gave in to Steak n Shake. My mom stressed me out to no end, constantly getting on my case on how my student loan payment would soon begin and that I needed to quit Wendy’s and get a real job. My college adviser as well pressured me a lot and continued to tell me that I needed to stop trying so hard getting into marketing and just take on Steak n Shake. You’ll like, it he said. You’ll have fun, he said.

So I did give in. I put that fake smile on my face, put my chin up and b.s.’ed my way through the interview process. I made Steak n Shake sound like I was God. I’m a nice person, I’m never really rude to people, and when I want to I can make anybody sound like I’m the cream of the crop and worth their dime. Steak n Shake bought every penny of it and after two interviews I got the job. I was even a little bit excited even though I knew this wasn’t what I wanted to do. Whenever I ran into someone I knew and they questioned why I was going to food, I’d use the excuse that it’s at least something and that the money was worth it. I’d explain with a fake smile and tell the world, “Oh what great experience it will be!”.  For once I felt like graduating so early from all of my friends was worth it. But I knew deep down I was kidding myself. I knew I didn’t want to be there.

Midterms were coming close for Steak n Shake and it hit me around that time that I just didn’t care. I hated every aspect of the job. For six total weeks I was miserable. I was surrounded by people who truly loved what they were doing, and didn’t mind doing it for an actual career. I became so stressed out and so depressed I barely could get myself out of the bed in the morning and at night I wanted to cry. I hated it. I could do the job, even though it was hard to learn since you basically had to know fluent Spanish to be taught by most of the crew. But regardless I was still miserable. It didn’t matter to me that I could do it with a fake smile on my face and even having the management like me. I could tell they liked me – hell everyone liked me there. But the food industry isn’t what I’ve spent 3 years of my life going to college for. You don’t need a bachelors degree to work at Steak n Shake. Anybody can enter the management program, it’s just that they pay you a hell of a lot more if you do have a degree. The pay was amazing; to give you an idea my pay checks were larger than my brother in law who is in the Army! But to do work that I hated so much stressed me out to no end. And it didn’t help the fact that it took nearly an hour to drive to work and that it was 50 hours a week. Not that I can’t handle that, but I can only handle it if it’s something I can enjoy doing.
Obviously if you haven’t figured it out or heard already, I have quit Steak n Shake. It’s been about 3 weeks. It all started falling apart after New Years. I was so depressed I could barely sleep and I was always in a terrible mood. My healthy attitude was missing and I was pissed off at the world. I warned my parents and my family after the holidays when we all sat down to dinner that I didn’t think I could stay with it. I knew even if I passed my Midterm, I didn’t even care enough to continue. I hated it that bad. And is that ever a low place to be.

I decided to quit my job, and I flew out one day about 3 weeks ago to Chicago to try to apply for an opening that came up at Midway Games. For those who don’t know it’s always been a dream of mine off and on with my experience with Mortal Kombat Online to someday work there. But I’ve about given up on that possibility as well. I don’t care if people think what I did was stupid by flying there on a whim to apply within, but I was going for a dream. And if anything it was closure for me. Midway Games gave me anything but help while I was there except for a few cool people like Vogel and Podlasek. But even showing how bad I wanted to work with the company by flying there from Ohio, it didn’t impress the right people and they never did gave me an interview for that position. Not that I was expecting to walk away with a job, but after knowing people within that company and trying to get in for so long, I’m all fresh out of ideas on how I’m ever going to work there. Unless a miracle happens, I’ve accepted that they don’t have an interest in me no matter what kind of work I’ve done for them over the years with MKO. It kind of hurts, but what can you do.

So here I am, jobless again. Well in less you count Wendy’s. I’m going back there tomorrow after honestly what I thought was my last day in early December. I’m embarrassed to no end and I feel like a complete failure. I’m already running into people on a daily basis who think I’m at Steak n Shake and that everything is good. At least once a day I end up having to tell someone the same old story about how I quit, and how I didn’t like it and that I’m looking for something else. It kills me inside that I have to go back to Wendy’s temporarily. And hell, that’s just me being positive. I wrote a damn post on here when I quit saying how fucking happy I was about leaving the place, so that goes to show how life can just change in a heart beat. I’m not blaming anyone for me being back there, because I knew it would probably happen if I quit Steak n Shake. I do know that it was a risk I was taking. For the past two weeks I’ve applied for so many jobs, and I have not had one call back from a company that I would have any interest in working with. People keep telling me to stop looking at marketing, but it’s what I want to do and what I have the most experience. I have a business degree and with that and my practical experience with MKO I will do a good job. I’m not applying just for marketing as I’ll do any type of typical business related jobs, but I think marketing is where I need to head.

So that sums up the past few months. It’s been a incredible shitty New Year. With not getting any call backs from any jobs that I apply for I get more stressed out each day. I don’t know what I’m expected to do. I’m mad because I feel like nothing is going right in my life at the present time. I’m hardly happy anymore. And when I’m like that I get tired and lazy and almost don’t want to even be around people. I just wish things could be better. All of my close friends just have their lives working out perfectly. They always find their job, they always seem happy, and I just wish that I could compare. No I don’t want to be my friends, but I just wish things were going a little better. At this rate if I can’t find a job close in Columbus in my major it will be summer and it will have been a year since I graduated. I’m embarrassed that I’m in this position.

Oh, and there’s more. I’ll just say it. I’m sick of being single. Everyone around me is either getting married or is happily in love. I’ve never had a girlfriend and I don’t think at this rate I ever will. Mind you the whole career mess of mine hasn’t helped as I haven’t been in the best of moods to socialize, but I’m beginning to think the entire world is against me. I want to be successful now, I want to be dating, and hell I’d honestly like to start a family in the next 5 years. Is there something wrong with me? What is it that either holds me back from dating, or holds people back from being interested in me? If I ever have told you I’m happy being single I’m lying through my skull. I’m completely lonely and I know that that missing part of me is having someone to love and care about. It’s driving me nuts. I feel like if I had companionship I’d probably be a lot more motivated in life and probably care a lot more about things. Because right now I have little motivation for anything.

I don’t mean to rant, I’m just at a point where I need to know how to get back on the right path with my life. The bills keep coming in and keep getting larger and I don’t think I will ever get out of my parent’s house! I want to look up to God, but I feel like I’m being ignored. You know that’s really hard for me to say. I do love God and I am a Christian and try to follow in the life of Jesus Christ. But it seems that no matter how hard I pray everything keeps turning to junk. I know it’s probably my fault. I rarely if ever go to church, I probably deserve it. But things have gone to crap so much lately, it’s hard for me to even pretend to be happy with God. I help on Wednesdays at Peace Lutheran and even have committed myself to reading and discussing the Bible once a week with a couple of my close friends. But when people keep telling me stories about how all you need to do is pray and accept Christ into your life and all will be just dandy, I sometimes don’t buy it. Constantly I hear throughout the week testimonies from people who were having a hard time in their life and that they prayed and you can just see it in their eyes how happy they were after they explained that God answered their prayers and everything turned out great. Well, I pray almost every night and things just seem to get worse. I’m amazed by people like Bobby and Ryan who are so connected to their faith. I just can’t seem to find that connection. I want to put my self in God’s hands and let him guide me on the right path, but I can’t seem to find the path. I’m angry at God. But I need your help, anyway the people reading this, to let me know what I’m doing wrong. I do love God and I pray almost every night and I want to believe that I’m just doing something wrong. I want to believe that God has put me in this position with my old crappy job and my single life for a reason. But what on earth could it be?

For those of you who are the praying type, I ask that you pray for me. I’m lost right now and I’m starting to lack the energy to even care to make my life better. I want a change and I’m sorry but after the last couple of months I guess you can say I’ve become a little impatient. I don’t know what to do. Anyway, thanks for reading. If you have advice let me know, because I don’t know how to get out of this mess of mine.

I’m willing to listen to any ideas. Thanks.