A Life Not Understood.

Life right now is just in a state where I don’t know where things are going. In one retrospect, I’m very happy with the way my life is, and I know I’m so much more happier than a year ago. But right now I’m torn with this secret that is just building me up inside. Something, not bad at all, but something that I can’t believe that I’ve gotten myself into. Something I didn’t even feel was possible to feel this emotional about. And as Valentine’s Day approaches, as I’m single once again.. I think about the situation I’m in now and don’t know if I should be happy or sad. I believe in fate, at least I want to, but the picture it’s painting out for me seems to good to be true at times. I want to believe it, I want this fantasy to be a reality, but I’m so scared that if I take it further I’m just setting myself up for disaster. Why can’t I ever do anything the traditional way? Why is my life so different from everyone else’s? I believe it’s all because God wants you to learn life lessons, but I’m almost sick of learning lessons. I just want to be the normal guy with a normal girlfriend in a normal life. But here I am in such a weird state of mind. It’s been going on for a year and not knowing how it’s going to end up is killing me inside. Am I falling in love with a girl I’ve never seen, never touched, or have never looked into her eyes? Is she falling in love with me? Is it possible? Is it love? I don’t know. Is it just another test? I mean she could be anywhere but where she’s from and I know I would never even have bothered getting to know her over the past year. Why is she so beautiful, and why is she everything I’ve ever dreamed of? If it’s just a life lesson and it’s not meant to be, I don’t know how much more of this I can handle. I’m done playing games. I want a real life. I want to be happy.

The fact that this all weighs so heavily on one decision in my life, that is out of my own hands, is scary.

So on a lighter note. Life is good in most respects. I’m finishing out this term. I start my last term with Senior Project sometime in March. Before then, Bobby’s coming home from the whole war thing on Sunday, and we might make a trip to Chicago. Chicago again, to try it again, and to have fun with some of Bobby’s friends he made while he was over in Iraq. With that I’m tired of thinking, and tired of writing. Goodnight.